on the edge of control

I feel a little out of control, it’s been a weird week for me. I started a new job at the hospital, a lot of running around to be done for that. I do enjoy seeing the patients and being able to work in a hospital again but at the same time it is always a little stressful starting a new job, and then there are my upcoming exams. I just feel exhausted and drained all the time, and it feels as if I have to fight and battle to hear from God, I have also struggled to pick up and read my bible this week. It’s weird, like I’m in a funk or something. But Rob at small group made a point that made sense to me, maybe God can let me go on my own, God doesn’t need to hold my hand anymore. I am His child and he now is allowing me to walk on my own.

Perhaps it is not all easy and fun Sundays when you are a christian. So I have been reading through the two books of Samuel, I really like David. He wasn’t perfect and he messed up a lot. He was chased by the Philistines and Saul’s army. He lived in caves and struggled emotionally. But for all that was wrong with David he loved God and God cared for him. I take comfort in the fact that no matter how rough a week I may have and no matter how much I mess up or whether I am encircled by my enemies, my Lord will save me, he is perfect, and he will not let me go.

“we will not be the last, we will not be the lost.”

we look so good...but looks can be deceiving

Yet another week and I’m here. Feeling reinvigorated by King’s message today, he is an excellent speaker. I am familiar with the David and Goliath story but his closest men I didn’t know much about. I am quite impressed at how God orchestrates the plans he sets in motion. It amazes me how little I know of what I thought was my “religion.” But God is so much deeper than religion and tradition. I always thought the prophets, kings, men and women God called to set his plans out had it all together, that they had no problems and they had their lives set perfectly together. But God seems to pick those most unlikely to do something amazing to do something…well amazing. The thought of David depressed I had never really given thought to, but in the light of Kings message it actually makes so much sense. To be hunted by his own and by the enemy that will be a major tax on your mind and body. What a position to be in.

In light of what I have learned today, I have really been looking at myself and who I am as a person. I know I need Jesus, that is fact and truth and that will never change. But then there is the sin, insecurities, and nature of myself to take into consideration. I am sinful by nature, unfortunately I cannot change that, all I can do is try to live a Godly life and do the best I can, okay easier said than done. Insecurities within myself…lay them before the Lord and let him change my attitude, and perception daily through his word. And then the very nature of myself, personal plans, goals, wants, needs. These must change to correlate with Gods purpose in my life. All wonderful solutions to problems within myself. And yet on the other side of the coin I struggle with the fact that I don’t have many Christian friends, in fact I now know that the only “true” Christians I know go to Elevation, sure myself and my old friends called ourselves Christians but our lifestyle is far from it. I love God, but I struggle with the fact that I know God wants me to cut out my old friends, these people are not speaking life into me, the lifestyle I have led is self-destructive and destructive those around me, so in fact together we are pulling ourselves down. I know two years ago we weren’t acting the way we are now, drinking, the parties, sleeping around this is what we have become, and every moment longer in this lifestyle drags me further down into sadness, frustration, and of course emptiness. So this I have all come to realize today. But this past Friday, against my better judgment I went back up to Greensboro where I used to live, to see old friends. But while I was up there I could not relax, sitting there I felt very uncomfortable, I mean me and my old friends are nice people, we don’t go looking for trouble and yet in all this, “oh I’m just looking to have a good time, and enjoy college” I felt convicted in my heart, but I continued to stay. then at one point in the night one of my friends pulled out some durgs (the site censored it out the first time I tried posting it spelt properly, weird), and as they passed it around, I thought to myself “when does it end?” this is me after two years of being around these people, where will I be two years from now with these same people? Will I be satisfied? Perhaps everything will be okay, but where will God be? So as they passed around the durgs I got up and left, it was about 330 in the morning and I was slightly drunk (a very stupid idea on my part) and I got in my car and drove back to Charlotte. I want to be like David, a man who will not compromise, and when I die, I want to be able to tell God that I did go back to my old friends, but instead of them dragging me down…I pulled them up.

“You are no more worthy of His love on your best day than you are on your worst.” - Pastor Steve

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades

Okay so I grew up in a Christian home, I grew up in a loving family, and my parents were never divorced. I’m so thankful for what God has blessed me with, I cant believe how I let myself think that I was “entitled” to what I had, I cant believe I was so blind to these blessings, a warm bed, a roof over my head, fantastically gracious is my God.

So as a child I wasn’t very interested in church things. And in all honesty it sort of scared me, to see someone so consumed and on fire for God, and I thought, what must I do to be like that. I was a little jealous and I wanted to advance my own selfish ideas and goals for my own life.

But something that Pastor Furtick said that was quite profound to me was that “God saves us all at once, but we change daily.” And suddenly I realized that in order to be Christian I don’t have to be perfect, I just need to love Jesus and walk with him, sure I’m going to mess up but that’s okay, because his saved me. I know this may seem like a simple revelation especially to someone who grew up in the church, but I just didn’t think I knew what God meant when he said he loves me and that he is sending his son to save me. Because my whole Christian walk was based around how I just don’t want to go to hell. And then one day as I was listening to Hillsong’s From the Inside Out my heart was broken and I couldn’t help but cry out. And since then that song has become my anthem as continually/daily Jesus consumes me from the inside out. And my will to survive then became a love for God.

I once heard somewhere (don’t remember from where) that “people don’t respond to love, they respond to action.” And this bothered me, because love is the most powerful action you can take. Look at Jesus, in his love for us, he dies. And his action that he took against his enemies was “forgive them father” he loved them fiercely and he loves me so much he died. I can’t fully grasp this concept it is too much for my selfish mind. All I can do is walk daily with my father and king, and allow him to change me from the inside out. Thank you ALMIGHTY GOD.

- to love you, from the inside out - HS

conversations in cars

Im feeling a little vunerable at this present time. I am beginning a new job with the hospital here in town and Im starting to get pretty deep into this Elevation Church crowd. Theres alot of new stuff going on, and new people Im meeting and that has always been strenuous for me, wanting to be liked and so forth. Im also beginning to feel my heart to begin to change, as a child I was sensitive to others, but after many situations of being burned by people close to me I hardened my heart. But like I said I feel a change in my heart occuring. I feel as if God is actually some one who can love me even for all my flaws, and in turn my heart has softened to others, I feel a freedom of peace, I havent felt since back in South Africa. But with all the good Im also afraid of change, I like to be in control, I believe thats just a natural feeling for humans, no one likes to feel as if someone else is in pilot seat of their life figuratively speaking. Im also nervous about my te pledge I dont really know what Im going to do, but I know as clear as day that God said that amount, and last night he told me not to worry.
God and I have been having some conversations in my car for the past week, I got the idea from Adam and Benjamin. So anyway God and I have been talking, well Ive been talking, he mostly listens, but throughout these conversations he has widened my vision so to speak. I have been so focused on my own set plans that I didnt realize what I was becoming towards friends and other people. I have also seemed to allow time and circumstances to create a severe chasm in my relationship with Jesus and myself. I have a lot of mending and praying to continue, and a lot of issues I need to work out with old friends. haha I wonder what the people driving past me think when they see me ranting to myself in my car. one step away from crazy. its a possibility. but then again didnt people think John the Baptist was crazy as well?

- the one thing Im missing...is in your eyes - RW

For Anna

Yes. It is cold.

Another day, another blaaah…

Tired, but happy. Its been a good weekend, had to work at the base preparing for next year and all that jazz. It turned out to be really nice though, we had a formation in the “big” hangar (big is an understatement, this thing is huge you can fit two cargo aircrafts in this thing). The whole base wing were in there and a bunch of congressmen. There was a big flag hanging from the rafters…Im pretty sure this flag was bigger than my parents house. It was really nice the congressmen stood up and recognized the base for its contributions in Iraq and Afghanistan. All in all a splendid day.

And is heroes not the best show? at first I had my doubts but my friends talked me into buying it and now I cannot stop watching it. Sadly my parents didn’t have a chance they are now hooked as well and they have now commandeered my dvd set for themselves to watch. I really recommend if you haven’t watched this show, check it out.

well that’s what’s new…how about you?

keep it fresh...in the rain

Good news! I got this job at the hospital I was really hoping to get, its an EKG technician position in the Cardiology Department. Only an as need position but its still a foot in the door, plus the manager that interviewed me liked what he saw and gave me a bit of a raise on my new salary...can you say awesome?


Love this rain.

every beginning must begin.

so I thought I should try this blogging thing. And there is no better place to start than with whats on my heart.

every beginning has a beginning. I want to do good in my life, and I want to glorify Jesus, a simple concept and yet very complicated at the same time.

my elevation small group has been excellent, a mental support throughtout the week for me, whenever I make a decision on something I will think on what this would look like to the other guys. Also I think the cliche'. would a "christian" do that?

I feel that God is moving in my life now, I feel reinvigorated. maybe this time my start will not collapse. Undoubtabley I will have to change some lifestyle choices I slid into. Its time lay it on the table.

Its time to begin.

the end.